I come from a stupid family.  During the civil war my
great uncle fought for the west!

Rodney Dangerfield
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Standing on the sidelines during a football game at my son's high
school, I saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to
the ground and didn't move. We grabbed our first- aid gear and
rushed out onto the field.

The coach picked up the young man's hand and urged, "Son, can you
hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."
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I don't want you to think I don't like marriage,"
said the man to his friend.

"I've been happily married three  times.

My last wife was one of them women's libbers.

She got mad 'cause I opened the car door for her.

Of course, we were going 75 mph when I did it."
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A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the
heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so
brave around Boston."

"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.
"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"
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Because they needed some help around the house, the minister's wife placed an ad for a manservant.  Around 8 a.m. the next morming a nicely dressed young man appears at their front door.
"Can you fix breakfast by 7 a.m. every day?" the minister asks the young man.
"Well...... I guess I can," came the bewildered reply.
"And can you make the beds, dust the living room, do the dishes, cut the grass, and polish the silver also?" the minister continued.
"Gee, sir, I just came by to see about getting married.  But if it's going to be THAT much work, you can count me out right now!