A little Military Humor for your enjoyment.
Wayne Harvey
US Army Retired
As you know all persons, upon entering the military
service and upon reenlistment are required to take the Oath of
Enlistment. At one time the Oath of Enlistment was the same
for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing
military branches, the Oath has undergone marked changes and
has been specifically tailored to each branch of the military and their
specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of
Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chief's of Staff:
U.S. Air Force Oath of Enlistment
I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of
my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack
it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me and I am afraid of
water over waist deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not
to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding
test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling
everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the
other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around
me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of "Basic Training" I will be a lean,mean,
donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting,
civilian-wearing-blue-clothes,Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am
superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife
before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around
me, and will go home early every day.So Help Me God!
____________________
Signature
____________________
Date
U.S. Army Oath of Enlistment
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre
life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on
the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the
Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear
camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't
figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24
hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself
that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I
am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court-Martial
for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in
my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I
scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er....I
mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every
other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first
trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool and propose
to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I
let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy.
Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting
absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at
1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report
back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training
whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up
working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to
everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be
unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!
____________________
Signature
____________________
Date
U.S. Navy Oath of Enlistment
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to
sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want
to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them,
because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't
want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought,
"Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went
out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every
pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good
Humor Man during summer and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I
will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English
speaking world, using words like "deck,bulkhead, cover, geedunk,
scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat,candy, hole in
wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy
acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are
completely different from the other services and make absolutely no
sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every
morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will
show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the
point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon,
and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and
subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that,
once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick,and
quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me
Neptune!
____________________
Signature
____________________
Date
U.S. Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment
I, (have someone recite your name for you),
swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight....grunt...cammies.... ugh...Air Force
women ....HOORAH! So Help Me CORPS!
____________________
Thumb Print
____________________
Date
U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
" I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years
of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the
real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the
fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under
the Department of Homeland Security. I understand that at least twice a
day, someone will refer to me a member of the Air Force or Navy, and
when I correct them, they will question my military status. I will work
on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of
natures storms, and receive no thanks or notice form the public. I will
fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then
rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for
transporting drugs two months later.! I will prevent thousands of
gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I
won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the
red-headed step child to all of the other services, although I know I
got the better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy
property. I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college
classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I
work too much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best
to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge in the
career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard
pointless. I will come in contact with so many pollutants during my
tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural life and
refer to myself as "salty" because of it. I will do my best to work 8
to 3, with a two hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell
phone surgically attached, SO HELP ME GOD. And I will not complain that the SHORE POWER
CABLE IS ONLY 300 FEET LONG OR SOMEONE MAY CHANGE IT TO 600 FEET AND
DOUBLE THE LENGTH OF MY SEA CRUISE!!!!!!!
____________________
Signature
____________________
Date
Wayne Harvey
US Army Retired