One Liners
Sometimes, when I look at my
children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a
virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after
me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the
description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this
woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited
by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is
to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as
close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right
idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading
health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you
get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll
become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I
should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight
impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man
enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in
a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar
and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I
bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness
.. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to
millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I
thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel
anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of
the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the
aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding
temptation . as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill