Army is looking for Herman

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
Sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied
her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack
your
bags.  I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God!  What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him
a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly
nun at the back.
"I'm so tired of chardonnay."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
need
more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL!  I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget
to
salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE
SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.