An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher
said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer
radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
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FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old
yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the
stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is
sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her
head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at
the door."
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"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man
replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's
have a beer."
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SUPERSEX

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown an! say
"Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two
and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
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ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You
used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held
her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she
said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across,
gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later
she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed
clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my
teeth!"
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DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in
the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says,
"Close enough."
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OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day,
they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get
mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time ..but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please
tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three
minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you
need to know?"
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SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going! the wrong way on Interstate
77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of them!"
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DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes,
they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they
went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She
was getting nervous At .. the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a
row?
You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am
I driving?"